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pink_pixie06
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Name: danielle<3
Birthday: 2/22/1988
Gender: Female
Interests: praising God* church* UCA* singing* playing piano* mbsf* writing* reading good books* k-la* finding awesome piano music* abercrombie models* shayna* my car* green* tiffany* football games* my xanga* facebook* hearing good songs on the radio* shelby* myspace* smiling* crazy pictures* emily* anita* ags* going to the movies* laughing* being crazy* converse* music<3* finding "new" favorite songs* love music* ashley* my ponytail holder* decorating letters* emails* ringtones* getting phone calls* comments on my xanga* makin' A's in class* *the dean's list* amy* earrings* blue* sweet conversations* remember whens* letters* scholarships* knowing the answer* the cold side of the pillow* chocolate chip brownies* the sunset* clear nights* 80 degree weather* hawaii* kissing* eating* lipgloss* praise* concerts* new c.d.'s* black&white pictures* facebook* cellphones* purses* my drivers license* men's cologne* hot showers* clouds* flowers* you*
Expertise: music
writing
english
education
Occupation: Student
Industry: Other
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
MSN: pink_pixie06@hotmail.com
Yahoo:  danielle_nicole2006
Member Since:
11/28/2004
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| this is the week i become a mother.
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| a song is summoned from deep within my soul
sorrow slowly strummed on strings
the words, so soft, gracefully graze
across the black and white keys
bittersweet tears trickle down
across my cheek, halt at my lips
close my eyes, take one deep breath
i wasn't ready for this
to say that i am different from the person i seemed to be one year ago is an understatement. i have literally transformed into an entire new being. i'm not quite sure how this change took place. i can't even evaluate my feelings about it. i am more confused than i've ever been, but yet, more sure than i'll ever be. i have finally accepted that i will never fully, nor even slightly, understand the ways of the world and why things happen. i can envision ten different scenarios right off the top of my head, but even if i were to correctly guess a reason why, it matters little. for the past nineteen years i have sought explanation. i have an unnatural desire for understanding and this has caused me an unreasonable amount of pain throughout my life. i dwell on the past, i force myself to relive mistakes, and i constantly question myself and decisions i've made.
i can count four very different occasions just this year when i have hit rock bottom. i recovered each time, but instead of dusting myself off, i gathered the grains and placed them in a jar, hidden deep within my heart. there is not a single second of every day that i don't remind myself, and chastise myself, for being so ignorant and not learning from my mistakes. but this emptiness inside of me takes precedence over all judgment, and i find myself in the same situations over and over again. this does little to improve my emotional condition. instead, it deepens my pain and renews my scars.
five years ago, my life changed forever. since that moment i have pushed away my grief. yes, i discuss what happened. i can talk and cry and probably even make others almost feel the pain i felt at first. but no amount of discussion or chat about my issues truly releases me from the bondage of those chains i call my past. i am reminded every day that i'm different ... and i'm reminded quite frequently that no matter how honest i am, no matter how good of a person i try to be, and no matter how caring i sincerely am about anyone and everyone i come into contact with, this one thing has the power to completely change a mind. because of this lie, this ache, my heart is broken a little more with each passing day. time does not heal my wounds. over time, they have become much deeper.
i have yet to meet one single individual who really understands the person that i am. every day is an internal conflict for me. i refuse to show weakness so i cover my scars with the band-aids of my personality and i carry on because that's what is expected of me. i'd like to say i know how i'd react if i were on the other side. but i don't. i wasn't on the other side long enough to even imagine how different the perspective could be.
in just a short year, i have become a shell. i have literally perfected the art of hiding my emptiness. but i have grown so sick of feeling this void ... and i'm ready to fill it. not with a guy, not with any sort of substance, but with love. true, unconditional, undying love. the love of my friends, my family, and my God.
this love, this true, deep-running love, has saved my life and given me the slightest glimpse of happiness more than just a few times. it gets me through the day; days that fly straight by ... and the other, more frequent, days when i wonder about purpose and question my reasons. before tonight i sincerely did not know how much i need this love. but without it ... i'm afraid to even wonder where i'd be.
there have been many times this year when i wanted to sit and suffer. i wanted to feel my pain because the more it hurt the more real i felt. being real means being sincere and being sincere requires being honest ... i yearned for the slightest bit of honesty. i just wanted to know that it still existed.
tonight the weight of my world, my problems, my pain, my issues, collapsed directly on top of me and i couldn't breathe. the tears could not be stopped, i wasn't sure my voice could work, and i desired nothing more than to not be alone. even being an hour and a half away, my best friend made sure i did not feel alone and she talked me through the things i could hardly bear to say. she is an amazing person and after tonight, i thoroughly believe so even more.
by now i have grown so emotionally and mentally drained and tired that it's sometimes hard to function. but after tonight i have discovered just how powerful love can be. i have no desire to fall in love right now nor any time soon. i have discarded my usual need for some sort of male companion ... i adore having someone to talk to, i like the attention, and i love to show people how much i care for them. one of my favorite things to do is taking care of someone else ... it comes so naturally to me and i believe i enjoy it so much because i wish it were easier to take care of myself.
i want to surround myself with the amazing friends i've made, and kept, over the years. i want to allow myself to enjoy the love these people so freely give me ... i don't want to beat myself up over things i can't change anymore. if someone can't accept me for me and the things that i've been through then so be it.
my heart is slowly being mended every second by the loving words, actions, and thoughts these wonderful people have sent in my direction. i write this because i want to explain the enormous amount of gratitude i feel toward them all. they have literally saved my life on more than one occasion ... but even words can not show how thankful i am.
today is the beginning of hopefully something new for me. a fresh start. i know that if i continue to keep my focus on God and the fact that i am surrounded by love 24 hours a day.
Mom, kayla, tasha, melissa, molly, amanda, christina, jordan, zach, john, chris, brynn, amy, shayna, tiffany, bliss, ashli, and tanner, you all are so amazing and i don't know what i would do without you. i just wanted to sincerely let you guys know just how much i really, really do love you ... and i mean that with all my heart.
the heart that is beating for, and because, of you.
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| Well Xanga, it has been far too long! Where have I been without you? :) I have come to the conclusion that I can definitely do without the male population. At least for this week. Okay, that's probably not true. I've always been a tiny bit boy silly. But in all honesty, they do nothing more than increase the stress levels in my life. I have been so torn when it comes to the concept of a relationship. *Shudders* Ooo, that's a scary word. I don't really like it! I feel the need to have some sort of companion ... I think it's just me. I don't like this alone feeling, I never have. BUT, at the same time, I'm very cautious about jumping into anything ... and please don't discuss marriage with me. That word is currently incomprehensible to me, okay? I find guys that I like and either they aren't ready for a relationship, or I'm not, or we're both not. I wish the male population would be briefly removed from the planet so that I can get things straight around here and get ready for some slight seriousness, and then they can all come back. That would make my life oh so much simpler! Ehh, too bad that will never happen. I guess I'm just forced to deal. But, all of that aside, school is making my life miserable. Is it possible to love your scholarships and hate them at the same time? I think so because that's just how I feel. Btw, this was the first Thanksgiving my family spent apart. My mom and I spent it watching movies and hanging out just the two of us, which was nice, I must admit. Just three weeks now and Christmas break will be here. Thank YOU! Well, it's farewell for now, dear Xanga. Maybe I will see you soon ... Although it's doubtful. Did I mention that I love the Dallas Cowboys? Oh, it's true! | | |
| Dude, I haven't written in this thing in about 2.5 million years, ha!
The summer is almost over ... THANK GOODNESS.
I never could find a job ... & I've been to Conway a total of ONE TIME.
Grr!
Ty and I are DEFINITELY, WITHOUT A DOUBT broken up FOREVER, FOR GOOD.
I decided to take time for myself for the summer ... To just be alone & not worry with the stress of a relationship.
I can't handle that AT ALL right now!
I'm just so ready to move back to Conway ... I miss it so much ...
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| Well, I've moved home for the summer.
:(
But, I leave for Costa Rica Thursday! :) :)
I haven't done much of anything this weekend ...
John & I played board games all night last night & tonight I went to Helena to see Shelby ...
... but I come home early & it's SATURDAY night.
This is so not cool.
There is NOTHING to do here!
I wish I was in Conway! :'(
I could be hanging out with all my friends right now!
Grr!
Instead, I'm sitting at the computer, drinking a Mt. Dew & eating way too much chocolate.
*sigh*
Ty and I are still broken up & I do believe it's going to remain that way.
I know it my heart it would never get better ...
That was a long to be with someone, though.
Too bad his family hated me ... Hope they treat his next girlfriend nicer than they treated me.
But it's whatever.
I need to find a job ...
I don't want to be BORED all summer long ... !!
Well, I'm gonna go read a book or something.
Much love!
<3 - danielle
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